Using the Skills of Emotional Intelligence

My wife Paula and I are still in Charlotte. Her mom has moved from the hospital to a rehabilitation center after being diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer.

While here, I have continued working on my Developing Emotional Intelligence workshop and noticed how VERY important these skills are in our everyday relationships, especially when we are going through difficult situations.

There are five factors of Emotional Intelligence taught in the workshop:

Over the last 2 weeks I have needed ALL of these factors to be the best support I can to Paula and her family. There have been a wide range of emotions, and the ability to perceive those emotions in myself and others has been a critical skill. One of the skills used in Perceiving in Empathic Listening - to truly listen to another for understanding (both the content and the feeling) and to reflect back to the other person that they are understood. This has been a powerful tool in helping others, especially Paula, process their thoughts and feelings.

The development of these factors is a life-long journey, and while I have been far from perfect in their application, they have been a blessing in my relationships with family, friends and colleagues. Let me know your thoughts...

Choosing My Response

I am in Charlotte this week with my wife, Paula. We are visiting her mother who is in the hospital in quite a bit of pain. As we were getting packed late Friday night, Paula gently reminded me of the “magic formula:”

E + R = O (Event + Response = Outcome)

The only part of the formula we have complete control over is the R - Response. Many Events just happen. The best Response is the one that is most likely to achieve the desired Outcome.

This week’s example:

We heard the news about Paula’s mother Wednesday on our way to Seattle where I was scheduled to deliver a leadership workshop for a small biotech firm. We came home late Thursday night and I was very tired. We had planned to attend a Sweetheart Dance at church with some friends Friday night and decided to cancel at the last minute to have time to pack for plane flight the next morning. I had a “pilot” workshop on Developing Emotional Intelligence scheduled for Saturday that I needed to cancel so we could fly to Charlotte as soon as possible. Lots of phone calls, reservations to make. Still needed to pack and get things in order, especially since we weren’t sure how long we would be staying in North Carolina. All of these EVENTS had me feeling and acting a little off.

But… I also needed to be fully present for Paula and I wasn’t. I needed to remind myself – what outcome did I desire? I desired to be a great support for her, both emotionally and physically. My response to all of the events was not leading to that outcome so… I needed to change my RESPONSE! And so… I did, I chose to focus on the OUTCOME. That enabled me to change my RESPONSE to the EVENTS and be fully present and let my stress go and that made ALL the difference.

"He Sleeps in the Storm"

I am doing a Time and Life Management workshop next week out at Nike. I asked the participants to send me a list of the their struggles and concerns. I believe their answers (and the solution) can be summarized by the following story I read recently in Mitch Albom's book: "Have a Little Faith."

"A man seeks employment on a farm. He hands his letter of recommendation to his new employer. It reads simply, 'He sleeps in a storm.'
"The owner is desperate for help, so he hires the man.
"Several weeks pass, and suddenly, in the middle of the night, a powerful storm rips through the valley.
"Awakened by the swirling rain and howling wind, the owner leaps out of bed. He calls for his new hired hand, but the man is sleeping soundly.
"So he dashes off to the barn. He sees, to his amazement, that the animals are secure with plenty of feed."He runs out to the field. He sees the bales of wheat have been bound and are wrapped in tarpaulins.
"He races to the silo. The doors are latched, and the grain is dry.
"And then he understands. 'He sleeps in a storm.'"

I am able to "sleep in a storm" when I know WHAT is important in my life, AND my daily actions are in harmony with what is important.